The Importance of Friends
I just returned from a trip to Napa and Sonoma Valleys with my husband and three other couples who are good friends of ours. My stomach, muscles, and face hurt for two days after we returned home from laughing so hard throughout the trip. We enjoyed delightful experiences while we were in California, but any adventure with this group of friends is a good time.
It fills my heart when I think about the friendships I have in my life. The one thing I admire about my friends at this stage in my life is the quality of friendship. We show up. We travel together and celebrate weddings, graduations, and new jobs. We do life together: chop up firewood, refinish decks, build pergolas, support each other’s kids, and celebrate the nest emptying as our children go and create lives on their own.
Social Media can fool us into feeling “connected” to numerous “friends.” This fools us into thinking acquaintances are friends. Friends are confirmed through the quality of the relationship: friends you see often, friends you share meals with, friends you discuss hard topics with and there is no harm in sharing a personal opinion, friends you experience life with and often find it hard to breathe because you are laughing so hard when you’re together.
One thing that is incredibly interesting about our “core friend group,” which we have named Crew 1:38 (that’s a story for another time), is that our friendship as a Crew is shorter than 10 years, and most of us less than 5 years. Arthur Brooks, a happiness expert, says that the quality of your friendships in your 50s directly correlates to the quality of your life in your 80’s. That is astonishing! The longevity of the friend is not as important as the quality and amount of time spent with the friend.
I hope this motivates you to take stock of how you are spending your time and with whom you are spending it. After you spend time with friends in your life, ask yourself these questions:
• Do I feel better or worse?
• Do I feel engaged and energized about life or negative, unfulfilled, and less than?
• Did our conversation focus on how “we” need to do life better or gossiping about others?
My goal for my 80s is to be healthy, strong, adventurous, energetic, and actively living. When I look at the quality of my friendships today, I am well on my way.
For more from Athur Brooks, Happiness Expert, Harvard Professor, and Author, go to the link below.
Arthur Brooks on Real Friendships
Depression aka My Dark Cloud
My dark cloud. My demon. My cinder block vest. The negative voice. These are my names for it. You may have your own name for it as well. The actual term is depression.
My natural state is in movement, getting things done, marking items on my list with the satisfying checkmark -- Complete YES! I have always been high energy, so when I struggled to get out of bed it was a shock to me. When I realized I had not marked anything off my list and it was sunset, it was a shock to me. What was going on? Who was I?
It took some time for me to make the appointment to talk with someone, but when I did and she explained depression to me, I was shocked. I am not depressed. I don’t get depressed. She calmly asked this question: “Tell me about any significant life events that have happened over the last twelve months. Then I listed: my 19 year marriage ended - my mom passed away suddenly - I moved to a new house. Saying it out loud to her was the first time I actually realized life had not just thrown me a curve ball….it had thrown me several in quick succession. It was a moment when the proverbial lightbulb went incredibly bright and highlighted the truth that you can get depressed even when you have never been depressed.
If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, please contact me.
From one of my favorite writers, go to the link below to hear her story.
Notes from the Emergency Room - Hannah Brencher
The Disconnection of Social Media
The world today is more connected than ever, yet many people feel disconnected, lonely, and untethered.
This loneliness and disconnect manifests in:
• An inability to express feelings appropriately,
• Struggling to engage in meaningful relationships with friends
• A reduced attention span, and
• Overwhelming anxiety
Many adults do not know how to address this with their youth because the adults themselves are becoming more and more tied to the myth that social media creates human connection. I can provide strategies for addressing this with youth and adults. Life is not lived in front of or through a screen.
If you or someone you know is struggling with an over-dependance on social media, please contact me.
I would like to introduce strategies on how to disconnect to reconnect.
For more information, read the article below from Harvard Health.
Does Social Media Make You Lonely? - Harvard Health
Effective Communication in Relationships
Why don’t we listen to learn and understand? We see the world through our own experiences and thoughts. We listen to respond. We listen to tell others what we think – what we feel – what we want. Only when we listen to understand where the other person is coming from can we truly grow in the relationship. Sometimes we just need to get out of our own way. It doesn’t mean what we think or want or feel is unimportant. It simply means if we truly want the relationship to grow or improve, we must be present in the conversation and listen to understand and connect.
Try being intentional in growing this behavior. Go into the conversation with the goal to connect and learn. This does not require turning the conversation into an interview. In fact, if you ask the right question, the person may share a lot with you. Ask open-ended questions to learn about the individual. Be prepared to ask follow-up questions.
Here are two examples:
• Have you ever had a disappointment so big, you had no certainty you would ever get over it?
Follow up: What did you do to get through it?
• What was your childhood like?
Follow up: Do you have contact with any of the people who were prominent in your childhood?
For more information, read the article below from Esther Perel.
Esther Perel's Blog - Letters from Esther #7: The Art of Conversation
Take the Time to Connect
The biggest challenge for all relationships is communication. We talk, but not to connect. We talk, but not about the important things. We talk, but only about schedules or navigating carpool, class assignments, doctor appointments, and picking up drycleaning. I will provide individuals and couples effective communication strategies. Most importantly, I will help you understand your communication style and help you understand the communication styles of others in your life.
For couples, a 20-Minute check in is a game changer. Many couples attest to being too busy to sit down and talk for twenty minutes a day. However, the question is not “do we have enough time to talk?” The question is “can we afford NOT to take the time to talk?” Couples who drift away from each other find this to be an effective tool to finding their way back to each other.
Check out this article from The Gottman Institute.
One Ritual You and Your Partner Need to Feel More Connected